Sound Marriages Blog

Anonymous asked: We aren't married (atm just dating). I'll try to make this as short as possible. Well, pretty much me and my ex dated for almost 2 years on and off. Fell in love and all of that, but for the past 8 months we've been trying to make everything work again but it always seems to fail. We both have trouble forgiving each other for stuff we did in the past and we both have BIG trust issues. Every time we try to have a relationship now it never lasts more then like a week, now we'll talk to each other every now and then and we're both doing our own thing just having fun but i still have a lot of feelings for him and possibly may still love him. I literally think about him like all day We're supposed to hang out in 2 days for my birthday, well that was our plan. He wanted me to go over to his apartment on my birthday that he just moved into. He's told me he wanted me to just be his "babygirl" for now and take things slow this time and not rush into it like always, but he is known for playing a lot of girls and lying to them. He hasn't talked to me in like 4 days.what should i do?

Dear (atm just dating), I’ll try to make this as short as possible.” Say good bye”! You have told me every reason why it will not work! You may love him but it continues to be an on-off again relationship. If he is a ‘PLAYA’ do you think you can change that? All of his targets have believed the same thing. That’s how he got the rep. “SAY GOOD BYE!!!!

Anonymous asked: I'm getting married and I told my soon to be husband that I want to hyphenate my last name and he is totally against it. He feels as though we are not truly joined together and starting new by keeping my family name as part of my last name. I don't know what to do; and why is it such a big deal? I'm still using his last name. Am I wrong and how can we make this work I can't wait to become Mrs. ______-_____

Dear Soon to be wife, You did not state why you wanted to hyphenate your last name? Is it because of professional or business reasons, or because you like the way it sounds, etc.? I’m sure you have presented your reasons to him.

Believe me, if you are officially married you will be, “joined together and starting new”. In today’s market it is not a big deal anymore. I would tell him if I had the chance that as long as you are carrying his last name don’t make a big deal out of it. Some women don’t even carry their husband’s last name at all. Think of all the female stars and popular business women who keep their maiden names publicly, but at the end of the day they return to the loving arms of their husbands. They know who they are and to whom they belong. Lighten up fellow, have confidence in who you are!

Anonymous asked: I've been in a relationship with this man for three long years. He refuses to commit. What shall I do? Should I keep hanging on hoping or should I move on? I do love him but I'm not sure of any future.

Dear Fed Up!
I think you have answered your question. If you see it is going nowhere you need to have a sit down and have him talk to you straight up. Perhaps he has some hidden reasons, but you need him to come clean. If he can’t then walk!

Anonymous asked: Is intimacy still looked at as just sex to a husband (man) even in marriage, when it's emotional for the Wife(woman). So often you hear husband complain about after marriage the intimacy is not as often as they like. Are they being emotional (needig to connect) or just being sexual?

Dear Anonymous,

There is intimacy and there is sex. They go together, but I don’t think you will hear most men complain about a lack of intimacy, but will about a lack of sex. Women on the other hand, will often complain about a lack of intimacy. When you talk about emotions, again men are usually concerned about the act, not the environment, or the mood of the thing. Let’s look at it this way, most women feel sex without intimacy is a turn off. Most men feel, intimacy without eventual sex is a turn off.

Dear Sound Marriages,

My husband and I have been married now for almost 3 years, we have 1 son and I’m currently expecting our 2nd child.  while our relationship has never been easy especially in communication, the last year has been particularly difficult.  we come from completely separate cultures and religion which i think heavily contributes to our differences. we also both work full time outside of the home. After having our son we decided that I would leave my job due to travel requirements and find something that would keep me at home.  After being unemployed for about 9 months I was able to get a job close to home. During this time, I lived off of my savings which I had accumulated prior to our marriage.  Since returning to work required that we now pay for a full time Nanny I asked him to contribute to that responsibility, which quickly turned sour because of his financial situation.  I discovered he was heavily in debt and living outside of his means.  I offered to combine our finances as long as I would be able to set a budget and manage the finances.  This did not last long since he was always frustrated by my questions on his expenses.  It also resulted in my having no money left over for savings or even my personal expenses.  None of this did he believe was the case given that we both make very good money.  Since last year his income has increased to almost 2x that of my income, he also wanted to separate all our finances again.  I’ve since been able to save some money and because of resentment over the financial issues, lack of communication and affection in general I decided to buy a home and separate.  We have moved into this new home together, however all moving expenses, new home expenses and living expenses have now become my full responsibility.  He doesn’t seem concerned about helping organize the new house much less about helping me out in general given I’m almost due.  I feel like I have someone living in my home that is just a guest and contributes nothing.  He’s also not involved at all in this pregnancy. We barely even speak and I’m to the point where I just snap at him rather than have any conversation.  I’d almost prefer that he move out and go back to his apartment since he shows no signs of caring or wanting to build a life together.  What should I do?

I’m at my wits end.

SOUND MARRIAGES GIVES AN ANSWER:

Dear Wits end,

You and your husband need serious marriage counseling. This is not a lightweight situation. Prayer, must be first of all be inserted as a main ingredient. You mentioned that your backgrounds, culturally and religiously are different. I would like to know more about that.

I am feeling that in your husband’s background there maybe some factors that may be preventing him from completely sharing comfortably his financial philosophy. We all have one and it should be shared during the dating period. But many people don’t and then during the marriage a monster grows.

Could you get your husband to talk with me, and then later the three of us could talk? We could do this by phone, Skype, etc. Email is a little slow.

In my book Marriage: Catching A Second Wind there is a chapter called “Show Me The Money”. It would be helpful to you and him I’m sure. Website  www.soundmarriages.com.  Let’s talk, send me a private message on FB. (David Stevens)

Struggling in your relationship? You’re not alone!

Submit your anonymous questions to Dr. David Stevens, our Sound Marriage Advice expert, and receive his insightful tips and helpful suggestions to get your love life back on track.  Goto www.SoundMarriages.tumblr.com/ask

Is it CHEATING???

hi. is it cheating if you talk to people online? i keep hearing different opinions about the Rep. Wiener scandal and some people say sending pictures online and chatting isn’t really cheating. that if you make physical contact with them, THAT’S cheating. i’ve been talking to a guy i met online through a chat room and while i don’t think my husband would approve, i don’t see it as cheating. what is your take on it?

OUR ANSWER:

Hi Anonymous,

Good question that I think many are struggling with. You have answered your question near the end of your query when you say that you don’t think your husband would approve. I’m pretty sure he would not. I just heard the term on TV news, “Emotional Cheating”. Cheating is cheating, because it is withholding some part of you from the person you have determined to partner with. It is a secret that fosters a division. It does not bring healing and when discovered it will bring a deep sense of hurt. In many cases cheating leads to more cheating. It may start out rather simple with no physical contact ever intended. The problem there is that no one can make an ironclad boast that the string will not wind the kitten over the line. Of course the string does not wind the kitten; it is the kitten that winds the string!

My advice to you Dear Anonymous is that you shut down your keyboard now, repent to God, and begin looking for ways that you can make your communication with your husband come alive. Put all of that passion, intrigue, and excitement into your own romance and it will pay off, big time!

Soundmarriages.com

soundmarriages asked: I think that my husband of 11 years is cheating on me with a woman on his job. I have no real proof but I have this strong feeling. I just want to go and scratch her eye balls out. Why would she do this to me? What should I do?
Mad as …

Dear Mad as…
First of all do not scratch out her eyes. Actually you sound as if you are not really sure. Before you rush in and do or say something regretful you need to have a serious conversation with your husband. If there is cheating it is not the woman but your husband that needs to supply some honest answers. And don’t think about scratching him either!

Tell him of your concerns. It may, or may not, be anything, but you have to start more basic before you start a war over suspected WMDs. Take your time and pray through your moves.

Please write us if you have more for us to go on other than speculation alone.

Anonymous asked: I love my wife, but lately she dresses at night so unattractively. She puts on these flannel gowns that are buttoned up to the neck. Even her arms are all covered. I can’t stand it. I see all these TV ads with all of these hot women advertising everything from soap to bras. Why can’t she see that it is affecting me? What can I do?
Frustrated

Dear Frustrated…
Maybe the best thing to start with is a good old fashion sit down time with your wife. Let her know that you are being turned off. Listen to her heart. (maybe she is really cold) Let her know what it is doing to you in your mind. Offer to go shopping with her( Your treat of course). Remember that you want her to be comfortable while still stimulating to you. ( A string in the middle of her rear end may not be comfortable for her.) Compromise is always a boost to romance. Healthy love making is both give and take. Let her know how much you love and appreciate her. We hope that these beginning steps will help you!

What did you say? Part 1

Did you ever play the group game Simon Says? Nice party game but notice only Simon had any weight in the room. There was never an opportunity to clarify what Simon said. You either got it, or you didn’t. What he said was what he said.

Some people think that the Simon says delivery is all you need for conversation. A one way, “This is what I want to say,” barrage of words does not make for harmony. Let’s work with this definition of vital communication: it is the conveying of honest thought(s) by way of an interchange of language involving honest listening with the intention of a responding message.

One Saturday morning Francis told her husband that she was going out and for him to take care of the twins. Norm assumed that because she had the laundry basket under her arm she was going to do the wash. He figured that she would be back in the usual two hours.

For the rest of the morning he had his hands full bathing, dressing, and feeding their three-year-old twin girls. Breakfast was fun, then lunch, and suddenly it was dinnertime. No word from Fran. Norm dialed her cell phone repeatedly.

11:45 PM her car pulled into her parking spot. Norm ran outside to meet her. “Fran, where have you been all day, and half the night? No call, no page, you didn’t answer your cell phone. What’s going on?” …

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